In our rigidly binary world, gender transition of any kind, at any time, is not a simple journey. To do it late in life presents special challenges as well as chances. I did not see myself in most trans narratives I read, including what it means to transition while raising children. Here I share some of my experiences.

Hannah Holland 21/3/21 Hannah Holland 21/3/21

School run

When I was first transitioning, I followed a complex set of rules about how I would present to the world. Some rules arose from not feeling like a ‘real’ trans person, while others were about not wanting to be talked about behind my back. And what better place is there for prodigious gossip than a community of school parents?

Hannah Holland 14/3/21 Hannah Holland 14/3/21

Flop

Today is a big day. I am going to a job interview, as Hannah. I stand in my bathroom. I have on an ornately patterned floral dress with cap sleeves, a round but high neckline, and some slight ruching across the front. I am doing my makeup. Suddenly, I see something in the mirror, and my stomach turns.

Hannah Holland 7/3/21 Hannah Holland 7/3/21

A timelessly tedious trans topic

“This is kind of a random question, but which toilet do you use?”

My son asks this as we are walking through a shopping centre. I suppress a laugh as I think of all the times I have dodged the question of ‘which one’ by avoiding toilets in malls altogether. “I know it’s a random question”, he pauses, “but it’s very necessary”.

Hannah Holland 28/2/21 Hannah Holland 28/2/21

Eye to eye

I’m sitting in the waiting room of a cosmetic surgeon. Or is it plastic surgeon? I’m not sure. My body is still, but my mind is agitated, asking, yet again, what am I doing here?

Hannah Holland 21/2/21 Hannah Holland 21/2/21

Confused?

There are people who argue that someone like me is “confused” about my gender. LGBTQI activists generally dispute this argument, saying it is dismissive and insulting.

Which it is. Yet it is also correct.

Hannah Holland 14/2/21 Hannah Holland 14/2/21

Menswar

From stockings to scarves, hoop earrings and, yes, one tiara, all my new clothes are now women’s attire. Underwear is the one, occasional, exception. While preferring ladies’ lace and lycra, some skirts and dresses require firm control in the groin area. No bumps.

Hannah Holland 7/2/21 Hannah Holland 7/2/21

Not happy

Things I am not happy about right now:

That I have so much work, I do not have time to arrange baseline pathology tests and follow-up GP appointments before I can consider hormone treatment.
The thought of hormone treatment.
Being old.

Hannah Holland 31/1/21 Hannah Holland 31/1/21

I get asked ‘why’

It is dark outside, and the apartment block murmurs with the sounds of a community settling into its evening. I come in to my son’s room to lie down on the bed for a while as he drifts to sleep, and in the half-dark that is when I am asked, “Why are you transgender? Did you always know or was it after I was born?”